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GO HOME!
DISCLAIMER: This entry assumes your family genuinely likes/misses you.
There are so many ways that going home can relieve your financial burdens. Rent is a big and obvious one, but sometimes you are just homeward bound for a temporary stay. If that’s the case, you will be privy to the little joy I call “Throwback Spending.”
THROWBACK SPENDING (n.) - The blowing of funds provided solely by one’s parents, particularly in the style of one’s high school years. Most commonly associated with movie tickets, gas, the mall, and restaurants (i.e. TGIF & Olive Garden).
I write you now from my bedroom in Columbus, Georgia, my hometown. This morning, I heard the tap tap tapping of a spoon sifting espresso grinds not long after waking. I walked out and called my dad (he’s the only other coffee fiend in the family).
DAD: Yeah?
ME: Are you making coffee?
DAD: You want a cappuccino?
ME: Well…I’m about to wash my hair so I won’t be ready to drink it for a little while. Maybe just brew some coffee.
DAD: Okay, sure I’ll brew some.
ME: Thanks, Dad!
DAD: You got it.
Already, you see the $-saving in action, right? Well get this. I get out of the shower and walk into my bedroom to find the coffee cup on a plate with a spoon and Equal beside a cup of milk. See below:
If I had a setup like this back in New York, I’d be at a cafe paying some aspiring celebrity $2.00 plus tip and tax. Dad loves and missed me so much, he just went all out for FREE! I’m only here for the rest of today and half of tomorrow, so Throwback Spending will be in full effect. My little brother’s graduating from High School this morning, so we will be celebrating out at a restaurant. I’ve also already let the fam know that we all need to see Bridesmaids at the movies tonight, and because the absolute NEED for Raisinets & popcorn at the movies is in my genetic code, I will be completely satisfied—and all on my parents’ dime. Sunday morning, I hope to have Waffle House with a couple of friends, and I might be shameless enough to ask for $20 before doing so. (Hey! When will I next get the chance?) This will be a very frivolous and inexpensive weekend for yours truly.
But before I leave you, a few observations…
1) The amount of money parents want to give you when you go home correlates to (a) how long it’s been since they last saw you and (b) how short your visit will be. The longer it’s been since they’ve seen you and the shorter your visit is, the more money you can expect to squeeze out of the trip before they get tired of you.
2) This only works if you aren’t the kind of kid who constantly asks your parents for money anyway.
3) It is possible that you will incur personal expense when you go home, even if you do everything else right. The most common cases of this happening seem to be (a) when you do something that directly goes against what they want you to do… i.e. go out with your friends when they want you to stay home and play Scrabble with them, (b) when you are out at a club with the $30 they gave you and you wile out at the bar like you have their credit card, (c) when you get greedy. DO NOT GET GREEDY. Or if you do, don’t let them see it in your eyes. This is all based on the pretense that you, their lovely cherub child, are struggling where you are and deserve some pampering and comfort before you get thrown back out into the harsh world.
Now go home, people! Your wallet will be glad you did.
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Having Fun Isn’t Hard…
when you’ve got a LIBRARY CARD!!
Or friends with drugs. …Kidding.
If you want to read a book, don’t you think it makes sense to do so for free before investing money in it and being stuck with it forever?? Even if you re-sell it to the Strand, they’ll only give you like $0.50 for it. Do NOT let Barnes & Noble trick you into buying books constantly because you get a 10% discount. READING IS FREE! So is the library. And I have to say, the New York Public Library quite often has titles that B&N doesn’t have. They also have HELLA MOVIES. And they DEFINITELY have some rare ones that you will not find at a friggin F.Y.E.
Here’s how the library has helped me saved money in 2011.
1) I got engaged. The internet says “Go buy books and wedding magazines!” My wallet says, “Bitch, please.” My library card says, “USE ME!!!” I do. I pick up 6 different wedding books, all published in the last 3 years and well-reviewed on Amazon. I quickly realize I HATE WEDDING BOOKS THEY ARE SO ANNOYING AND STRESSFUL AND FULL OF INFORMATION I DO NOT CARE ABOUT. How glad am I that I didn’t drop a dime to figure this out about myself? Very, very glad is the answer.
2) I started writing a new play. My characters are inspired by the Jacobean period in England and the life and times of St. Augustine of Hippo. As excited as I was in the conception stage of this play, I could have easily spent $50 on related books in an hour. Except I couldn’t, because I am broke and know better. I walked out of the Queens Library with 6 books in 30 minutes.
3) I got a job interview at Frederick Wiseman’s documentary film company, Zipporah Films. I had never seen any of Fred Wiseman’s work and I knew I shouldn’t walk into that interview blatantly ignorant. His work is NOWHERE. He’s like the Prince of documentarians. There was one measly torrent and even that looked shady (not to mention pirating a potential future employer seemed unwise). Guess who had almost ALL of his films FOR FREE? The NYPL. Noticing the trend here? P.S. I got the job. Coincidence? I think not.
So do yourself a favor and if you haven’t already, take 15 minutes to sign up for a library card. It will give your wallet a break and make you feel smart.
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Water is Free!
On a particularly broke Monday, after having spent the weekend out of town, I arrived at South Station in Boston to catch a bus back home to New York. Already planning to make broke work for me, I walked to the Lucky Star Chinatown bus desk and gave this woman the last of my money for a bus ticket. I was now working with about $1.25 in change after this transaction for the next week.
Bus ticket in hand, I thought right away that the best way to spend that $1.25 would be on a loaf of bread at the discount Entemmann’s outlet store by my house (welcome to Queens, people). So in essence, I was truly broke until my next payday.
‘But wait! I’m parched!!!’ Here I was after a morning of way too much coffee in dire need of the stuff of life: water. I knew I couldn’t endure a 4 hour bus ride to Chinatown with no hydration. ’What to do? I can’t blow my cash on a Poland Spring!’ I foolishly thought. You see, culture and capitalism had brainwashed me into believing that water was no longer free. Lucky for me, brokeness gave me no choice but to challenge this idea.
Natalia approaches the South Station McDonald’s counter. A pimply, Latino young man mans the cash register. She steps to his register.
NATALIA: Hi…
CASHIER: HiwelcometoMcDonald’swhatcanIgetyou?
NATALIA: Um, can I actually just have a cup of water, please?
CASHIER: (to Natalia) Sure. (to guy working the drinks) Agua!
NATALIA: Oh! Thank you so much…
Natalia steps aside, astonished, as she watches her water being poured into a lovely cup FOR FREE.
CASHIER: You want ice??
NATALIA: …Uh… yes! Thank you!
Her world is being rocked. He’s taken the time to ask if she wants ice in her FREE CUP OF WATER. What world is this? What wonderful world?
The cashier hands Natalia her ice water.
NATALIA: Thank you so much, sir!
Yes, I did call this 19-year old “sir.” I was so overcome with gratitude that it just slipped out! A free cup of ice water had transformed me into Oliver Twist. It’s crazy. Next time I won’t be so shocked and I hope you won’t either—BECAUSE WATER IS FREE, PEOPLE!!! DON’T YOU FORGET IT! AND DON’T LET SOMEBODY TELL YOU OTHERWISE!
